One step forwards, ten back the way I came

Lately it's just felt like ~ how does Casting Crowns put it? ~ 'another two years older, and she's three more steps behind.' And though I suppose it gives me 'walking' practice the lack of movement is frustration.

It feels like I'm shouting out to God, and only the enemy's listening. I can't judge though, and that's the worst part. I just have to keep walking blind through the paths - trusting that this is included in the ultimate plan - arms waving blindly to prevent me running into walls. I still do though.

It's the two worlds thing again. God or ? Spirituality or Sleep? Emotionally drained or ... well emotionless. Both have consequences. One eternally, the other until then.

I can't even flip a coin. (not that I would be stupid enough to do that. I have a feeling that a higher power would be slightly biased when it comes to my future ... ;/)

The narrow road, or the wide one. I know which I'll take - my decisions haven't changed. I'm just having an unhappy rant in the hope that along the way there will be some sort of epiphany that will make this all better.

I suppose the whole thing is just finding a balance between:
1. Oh My God. God you've already done so much for me. I can't possibly accept any more from you. I mean, I wouldn't even want to put you through that in the first place.

and

2. Help. Help. Help. Help. Help. I'm in &@*# again. Help!

If anyone figures out the trick - let me know. Please ... !

Hear our cry, Lord, we pray
Our faces down, our hands are raised
You called us out, we turned away
We've turned away

With shipwrecked faith the idols rise
We do what is right in our own eyes
Our children now will pay the price
We need Your light, Lord, shine Your light

If we've ever needed You
Lord, it's now, Lord, it's now
We are desperate for Your hand
We're reaching out, we're reaching out

All our hearts, all our strength
With all our minds, we're at Your feet
May Your kingdom come in our hearts and lives
Let Your church arise, let Your church arise

If we've ever needed You
Lord, it's now, Lord, it's now
We are desperate for Your hand
We're reaching out, we're reaching out
We're reaching out

If we've ever needed You
Lord, it's now, Lord, it's now
We are desperate for Your hand
We're reaching out, we're reaching out

If we've ever needed You
Lord, it's now, Lord, it's now
We are desperate for Your hand
We're reaching out, reaching out

We need You now
Revive us now
We need You now
~ Lyrics ...If we've ever needed You by Casting Crowns

Just spent the weekend on a spiritual retreat ... but somehow I'm more tired then when I started.

However it served it's purpose of being a spiritual revival. I've been filled with this energy, new found passion for God, along with a much deeper trust.

Looks like things are going to become interesting soon ... :D

To Know You

To know you is never worry for my life, and
To know you is to never to give in or compromise
To know you is to want to tell the world about you
Cause I can't live without you

To know you is to hear your voice when you are calling
To know you is to catch my brother when he is falling
To know you is to feel the pain of the broken hearted
Cause they can't live with out you.

More than my next breath
More than life or death
All reaching for, I live my life to know you more
I leave it all behind, you are all that satisfies
To know you is to want to know you more
To know you is to want to know you more

To know you is to ache for more than ordinary
To know you is to look beyond the temporary
To know you is believing that you will be enough
Cause there is no life without you

More than my next breath
More than life or death
All I'm reaching for, I live my life to know you more
I leave it all behind, you are all that satisfies
To know you is to want to know you more
To know you is to want to know you more

All this life could offer me, could not compare to you
Compare to you
And I count it all as lost, compared to knowing you
Knowing you

More than my next breath
More than life or death
All I'm reaching for, I live my life to know you more
I leave it all behind, you are all that satisfies
To know you is to want to know you more
To know you is to want to know you more

Compared to you
Compared to you
And I count it all as lost, compared to knowing you
Knowing you
And I count it all as lost, compared to knowing you
Knowing you
~ Lyrics ... To Know You by Casting Crowns

Who am I ...

... that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name?
Would care to feel my hurt?

Who am I
That the bright and golden star
would choose to light the way
for my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what you've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who you are ...

I am
A flower quickly fading
here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapour in the wind

Still you
Hear me when I'm calling
Lord you catch me when I'm falling...
And you've told me who I am...

I am yours
I am Yours

~Lyrics ... Who am I by Casting crowns