One step forwards, ten back the way I came

Lately it's just felt like ~ how does Casting Crowns put it? ~ 'another two years older, and she's three more steps behind.' And though I suppose it gives me 'walking' practice the lack of movement is frustration.

It feels like I'm shouting out to God, and only the enemy's listening. I can't judge though, and that's the worst part. I just have to keep walking blind through the paths - trusting that this is included in the ultimate plan - arms waving blindly to prevent me running into walls. I still do though.

It's the two worlds thing again. God or ? Spirituality or Sleep? Emotionally drained or ... well emotionless. Both have consequences. One eternally, the other until then.

I can't even flip a coin. (not that I would be stupid enough to do that. I have a feeling that a higher power would be slightly biased when it comes to my future ... ;/)

The narrow road, or the wide one. I know which I'll take - my decisions haven't changed. I'm just having an unhappy rant in the hope that along the way there will be some sort of epiphany that will make this all better.

I suppose the whole thing is just finding a balance between:
1. Oh My God. God you've already done so much for me. I can't possibly accept any more from you. I mean, I wouldn't even want to put you through that in the first place.

and

2. Help. Help. Help. Help. Help. I'm in &@*# again. Help!

If anyone figures out the trick - let me know. Please ... !

Lightning without thunder & smoke without fire

Last night there was a huge storm. I slept through the whole thing - I can sleep through almost anything. But I could see the lightning coming from a long way away, not knowing what it was.

This is the second time I have experienced God talking to me through the lightning. Not his literal voice, but more of an understanding that he will answer my questions. How ever, the 'maybe it isn't Him' always remains.

Another way of putting it - last night I was sitting on my bed, the bedroom light out, music in my ears and watching the stars. Then there were these flashes of light - the lightning. Sometimes they corresponded to my thoughts, other times they would cut off the sentence before I even knew what I was saying. Once it was even in time to the music - every few bars there would be a flash.

After about half an hour - the streetlight cut out. Now this streetlight annoys me - it shines right into my window. But the bulb blew or something, and it cut off, making the lightning much more obvious.

The reason that it confuses me so much is that this is the second time this sort of thing has happened. LAst time was a few weeks ago when a similar sort of thing happened. There was lightning - no thunder - and I told God, flash for yes.

It was just like he actually answered my questions, and it wasn't always always the answer I wanted ...

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

I guess what gets me is how a person (me) can stay up late at night feel close to God or at the very least spiritual to some sense. But then in the morning it's exactly the same as the morning before.

I'm supposed to be this soldier of God - an heir. But I'm afraid that I'm just smoke without fire - without any real passion or love or drive, rather that this lack of drive is an indication of how I don't have the eternal flame burning inside.
I want to live for God, I'm ticking the box on the sheet - a 'God focused, God centred, God driven, God Only life'. And it's taking a while for the shipment to come ...

The again, there is always the alternative 'Job' situation. God promises that if we 'seek and you will find' so if we believe - it's guarenteed.

What I find interesting - is how I keep coming across texts consisting of 'you only get it if you believe you will get it' ... which was reinforced by last night. I believe that in ten years I will be a stronger christian and in 15 I might be actually close to a prophet of God (my ultimate goal:), but by tomorrow? Nu-uh!

There's this quote - a chinese proverb I think - that I have in a little collection.

'If you don't change direction you will end up where you are going'

And though at first, my reaction was 'Duuur!' over the last AGE I've kept thinking about it.

What are the requirements for getting to the next 'level' of God. I understand that God is the ultimate pace driver, but he still requires me to commit.

So, Daddy, I think I may be ready!