Truth

Even when I have NO idea what I'm doing - I have the promise that God's got my best interests at heart.

The truth? Life is a fairytale - a Grimm Faerie-tale, but with the happy ending guaranteed. If we look hard enough at every day - every hour if need be, there is a gem, a priceless treasure that he has planned for us since the beginning of time.

Whether this is just in the way the light catches a particular leaf - or just a quiet moment as the pieces from the last few days fall together - it's as beautiful as the day it would have been when first designed.
It's easy to believe that life is planned. It has a purpose. There's a reason ... blah, blah, blah.

But when you are caught up in these moments - the rest of the world just fades away slightly in comparison to the pure Glory of God.

Pain is still there - but numbed slightly. And I have good reason to believe that over time - a thousand years or so, it could be allowed to pass from memory.
Then, I suppose, eternity will truly begin.

One step forwards, ten back the way I came

Lately it's just felt like ~ how does Casting Crowns put it? ~ 'another two years older, and she's three more steps behind.' And though I suppose it gives me 'walking' practice the lack of movement is frustration.

It feels like I'm shouting out to God, and only the enemy's listening. I can't judge though, and that's the worst part. I just have to keep walking blind through the paths - trusting that this is included in the ultimate plan - arms waving blindly to prevent me running into walls. I still do though.

It's the two worlds thing again. God or ? Spirituality or Sleep? Emotionally drained or ... well emotionless. Both have consequences. One eternally, the other until then.

I can't even flip a coin. (not that I would be stupid enough to do that. I have a feeling that a higher power would be slightly biased when it comes to my future ... ;/)

The narrow road, or the wide one. I know which I'll take - my decisions haven't changed. I'm just having an unhappy rant in the hope that along the way there will be some sort of epiphany that will make this all better.

I suppose the whole thing is just finding a balance between:
1. Oh My God. God you've already done so much for me. I can't possibly accept any more from you. I mean, I wouldn't even want to put you through that in the first place.

and

2. Help. Help. Help. Help. Help. I'm in &@*# again. Help!

If anyone figures out the trick - let me know. Please ... !

You're not alone

I searched for love
When the night came, and it closed in
I was alone,
But you found me, where I was hiding

And now I'll never every be the same
It was the sweetest voice, that called my name saying;

'You're not alone
For I am here,
Let me wipe away your every fear.
My love I've never, left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night.

And I'm the one whose loved you all your life,
All of your life'

You cry yourself to sleep
'Cause the hurt is real, and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost,
with heartache your closest friend
And everyone else long gone

You've had to face the music on your own
But there is a sweeter song, that calls you home, saying;

'You're not alone, for I am here
Let me wipe away your every tear,
My love I've never left your side,
I have seen you through the Darkest Night,
and I'm the one whose loved you you're whole life,

All of your life.
Faithful and true Forever.
My love will carry you.

You're not alone, for I am here.
Let me wipe away your every fear,
My love I've never left your side.
I have seen you through the darkest night
Your darkest night
And I'm the one whose loved you all your life

All of your life.'

~ Lyrics ... You're not alone by Meredith Andrews

Sometimes we just need the certainty of others, to hold on to their faith, even if that of our's isn't strong enough. It's always easier to look up to the others in our life, and live the nightmare that we're the only ones who feel this, who go through this.

But the best defence of the enemy is to divide and conquer. And it's far easier for us to live in our own snow globe - face the mental, spiritual and physical demons on our own. Because even though we're weaker, our hearts are safer. Once you open up to someone, there's the risk that they can shut you down. But we're stronger in an army, then we are on our own.

Ecclesiastes 5: 9-12

Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour.
For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.
Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?
And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

And though it's risky - war is dangerous. Winning is guarenteed though.

Oh, and p.s. When it comes to headbutting - God always wins. It's something about being God. I dunno - maybe part of the job description? :D