One step forwards, ten back the way I came

Lately it's just felt like ~ how does Casting Crowns put it? ~ 'another two years older, and she's three more steps behind.' And though I suppose it gives me 'walking' practice the lack of movement is frustration.

It feels like I'm shouting out to God, and only the enemy's listening. I can't judge though, and that's the worst part. I just have to keep walking blind through the paths - trusting that this is included in the ultimate plan - arms waving blindly to prevent me running into walls. I still do though.

It's the two worlds thing again. God or ? Spirituality or Sleep? Emotionally drained or ... well emotionless. Both have consequences. One eternally, the other until then.

I can't even flip a coin. (not that I would be stupid enough to do that. I have a feeling that a higher power would be slightly biased when it comes to my future ... ;/)

The narrow road, or the wide one. I know which I'll take - my decisions haven't changed. I'm just having an unhappy rant in the hope that along the way there will be some sort of epiphany that will make this all better.

I suppose the whole thing is just finding a balance between:
1. Oh My God. God you've already done so much for me. I can't possibly accept any more from you. I mean, I wouldn't even want to put you through that in the first place.

and

2. Help. Help. Help. Help. Help. I'm in &@*# again. Help!

If anyone figures out the trick - let me know. Please ... !

Me and Jesus

If you take a few steps back, and look at the Bible from a novel form of view - who's the hero? Is it man; who's suffered this great fall but through time, determination and help can overcome sin?
Or is it this Holy figure, always behind everything, organising, developing, improving constantly on his broken creator?

Is the beauty found in the pocket watch, or it's maker designing it down to the last screw.

Is the beauty of the artwork found in it's light and shadow, or in the long, unlit corridors that the artist wandered one cloudless night.

If it isn't for shadow, light would lack shape and depth.

If it isn't for the fixing of the clock, time for it would cease to exist.

And if it weren't for this figure, just under the surface of the ocean - the Bible is no more then ancient history.

You see, if the Bible were just a book, parts like Psalm 125 would be history, a reminder of what God has done for us in the past. But with the Holy Spirit running through the pages like a lifeline, it is more then a history, a record of someone's thoughts, but this four dimensional image of what God is, what He was for them, what He is for others, and what He can be for you today.

The Bible is a promise ... the promise of a better world, a world as long as deep as high as a few thousand k's. A world where the gates aren't 'pearly', but a whole pearl.
A world where we are surrounded by people, but not alone, rather surrounded by individuals each with a story that no one can tell better then them, as they lived it.

It is a promise that whether we want his help or not, God is just on the edge of our consciousness, giving us opportunity after opportunity to live for him; just waiting for us to listen.

And it is a promise that when our world comes crashing down, we just need to listen to that small voice and remember that we only have, like, a hundred years to go ... before we can just live in a beautiful world, with a beautiful king.

There's just so much open to us, and what's standing in the way? Ourselves ...

When there's no where else to turn
All your bridges have been burned
Feels like you've hit rock bottom..
Don't give up it's not the end
Open up your heart again
When you feel like no one understands
Where you are...

Someone loves you
Even when you don't think so
Don't you know
You got me and Jesus
By your side
Through the fight
You will never be alone
On your own
You got me and Jesus

After all that we've been through
By now you know I've doubted to
But every time my head was in my hands
You said to me...

Someone loves you
Even when you don't think so
Don't you know
You got me and Jesus
By your side
Through the fight
You will never be alone
On your own
You got me and Jesus

Hold on to what we got
This is worth any cost
So make the most of life that's borrowed
Love like there's no tomorrow

Someone loves you
Even when you don't think so
Don't you know
You got me and Jesus
By your side
Through the fight
You will never be alone
On your own
You got me and Jesus

Even when you don't think so
Don't know you
You got me and Jesus
By your side
Through the fight
You will never be alone
On your own
You got me and Jesus

You will never be alone...
You got me and Jesus

~ Lyrics ... Me and Jesus by Stellar Kart

I need You to Love me ...

Why, why are You still here with me
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run
And hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You

But I need You to love me,
And I
I won't keep my heart from You
This time
And I'll stop this pretending
That I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me

But I need You to love me,
And I
I won't keep my heart from You
This time
And I'll stop this pretending
That I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been
~Lyrics ... I need You to Love Me by Barlow Girl

Why?

I have this friend who ... well lets just say, if I regard myself as a soldier in God's army, we see her as the General (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Australian_Defence_Force_ranks_and_insignia) ... second to few.

But the irony is that she can't see it. I mean, some people have their daily battles - she has a nuclear war going around her. And she knows that.

I just remember what she said to me on school on friday; 'Why do you follow me? You'll only get hurt'. There are a few demons ~ literally~ attacking her on a daily basis.

But just before I was thinking about what that meant. And I finally understood something.
Something cool.


Jesus, why do you follow us into the darkest parts of our lives?

Why do you stand there holding out your hand while the world collapses around us?

Why do you keep your offer open, even when we are so hurting that we attack anything that comes near us?

Why do you keep coming back night after night when we keep rejecting you?

And why is your offer so much greater then we could ever earn, greater then we should be able to accept?

She never slows down
She doesn't know why but
she knows that when
She's all alone feels
Like it's all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long
And she fears if she cries
That first tear
The tears will not stop
Raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears whispering
If she stands, she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through
everything she's running from
Wants to give up and lie down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain
~ Lyrics ... Stand in the Rain by Superchick

Hear our cry, Lord, we pray
Our faces down, our hands are raised
You called us out, we turned away
We've turned away

With shipwrecked faith the idols rise
We do what is right in our own eyes
Our children now will pay the price
We need Your light, Lord, shine Your light

If we've ever needed You
Lord, it's now, Lord, it's now
We are desperate for Your hand
We're reaching out, we're reaching out

All our hearts, all our strength
With all our minds, we're at Your feet
May Your kingdom come in our hearts and lives
Let Your church arise, let Your church arise

If we've ever needed You
Lord, it's now, Lord, it's now
We are desperate for Your hand
We're reaching out, we're reaching out
We're reaching out

If we've ever needed You
Lord, it's now, Lord, it's now
We are desperate for Your hand
We're reaching out, we're reaching out

If we've ever needed You
Lord, it's now, Lord, it's now
We are desperate for Your hand
We're reaching out, reaching out

We need You now
Revive us now
We need You now
~ Lyrics ...If we've ever needed You by Casting Crowns

Just spent the weekend on a spiritual retreat ... but somehow I'm more tired then when I started.

However it served it's purpose of being a spiritual revival. I've been filled with this energy, new found passion for God, along with a much deeper trust.

Looks like things are going to become interesting soon ... :D

You're not alone

I searched for love
When the night came, and it closed in
I was alone,
But you found me, where I was hiding

And now I'll never every be the same
It was the sweetest voice, that called my name saying;

'You're not alone
For I am here,
Let me wipe away your every fear.
My love I've never, left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night.

And I'm the one whose loved you all your life,
All of your life'

You cry yourself to sleep
'Cause the hurt is real, and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost,
with heartache your closest friend
And everyone else long gone

You've had to face the music on your own
But there is a sweeter song, that calls you home, saying;

'You're not alone, for I am here
Let me wipe away your every tear,
My love I've never left your side,
I have seen you through the Darkest Night,
and I'm the one whose loved you you're whole life,

All of your life.
Faithful and true Forever.
My love will carry you.

You're not alone, for I am here.
Let me wipe away your every fear,
My love I've never left your side.
I have seen you through the darkest night
Your darkest night
And I'm the one whose loved you all your life

All of your life.'

~ Lyrics ... You're not alone by Meredith Andrews

Sometimes we just need the certainty of others, to hold on to their faith, even if that of our's isn't strong enough. It's always easier to look up to the others in our life, and live the nightmare that we're the only ones who feel this, who go through this.

But the best defence of the enemy is to divide and conquer. And it's far easier for us to live in our own snow globe - face the mental, spiritual and physical demons on our own. Because even though we're weaker, our hearts are safer. Once you open up to someone, there's the risk that they can shut you down. But we're stronger in an army, then we are on our own.

Ecclesiastes 5: 9-12

Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour.
For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.
Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?
And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

And though it's risky - war is dangerous. Winning is guarenteed though.

Oh, and p.s. When it comes to headbutting - God always wins. It's something about being God. I dunno - maybe part of the job description? :D

To Know You

To know you is never worry for my life, and
To know you is to never to give in or compromise
To know you is to want to tell the world about you
Cause I can't live without you

To know you is to hear your voice when you are calling
To know you is to catch my brother when he is falling
To know you is to feel the pain of the broken hearted
Cause they can't live with out you.

More than my next breath
More than life or death
All reaching for, I live my life to know you more
I leave it all behind, you are all that satisfies
To know you is to want to know you more
To know you is to want to know you more

To know you is to ache for more than ordinary
To know you is to look beyond the temporary
To know you is believing that you will be enough
Cause there is no life without you

More than my next breath
More than life or death
All I'm reaching for, I live my life to know you more
I leave it all behind, you are all that satisfies
To know you is to want to know you more
To know you is to want to know you more

All this life could offer me, could not compare to you
Compare to you
And I count it all as lost, compared to knowing you
Knowing you

More than my next breath
More than life or death
All I'm reaching for, I live my life to know you more
I leave it all behind, you are all that satisfies
To know you is to want to know you more
To know you is to want to know you more

Compared to you
Compared to you
And I count it all as lost, compared to knowing you
Knowing you
And I count it all as lost, compared to knowing you
Knowing you
~ Lyrics ... To Know You by Casting Crowns

Made to Love You

The dream is fading, now I'm staring at the door
I know its over cause me feet have hit the cold floor
Check my reflection, I 'aint feeling what I see
It's no mystery
Whatever happened to a passion I could live for
What became of the flame that made me feel more
And when did i forget that...

I was made to love you
I was made to find you
I was made just for you
Made to adore you
I was made to love
And be loved by you
You were here before me
You were wating on me
And you said you'd keep me
Never would you leave me
I was made to love
and be loved by you

The dream's alive with my eyes opened wide
Back in the ring you've got me swinging for the grand prize
I feel the hate is spitting vapours on my dreams
But I still believe
I'm reaching out, reaching up, reaching over
I feel a breeze cover me called Jehova
And Daddy I'm on my way
Cause I was made to love...

I was made to love you
I was made to find you
I was made just for you
Made to adore you
I was made to love
And be loved by you
You were here before me
You were waiting on me
And you said you'd keep me
Never would you leave me
I was made to love
and be loved by you

Anything I would give up for you
Everything, I'd give it all away

I was made to love you
I was made to adore you, made just for you
~ Lyrics ... Made to Love you by Toby Mac

Who am I ...

... that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name?
Would care to feel my hurt?

Who am I
That the bright and golden star
would choose to light the way
for my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what you've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who you are ...

I am
A flower quickly fading
here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapour in the wind

Still you
Hear me when I'm calling
Lord you catch me when I'm falling...
And you've told me who I am...

I am yours
I am Yours

~Lyrics ... Who am I by Casting crowns